Don’t Think of an Elephant

Try this - “Don’t think of an elephant.”

Chances are, an elephant popped into your head without you even trying.

That’s the thing about the human brain: it doesn’t do “don’t” very well.

When we’re told not to think about something, the brain has to picture it first, just to attempt avoiding it. This seemingly small detail has huge implications for how we communicate, especially with children.

The Invisible Power of Focus

Imagine saying to your child, “Don’t eat on the sofa!” What’s the image now playing in their head? Eating. On the sofa. It’s exactly what you didn’t want.

But say instead, “Eat at the table.” Now their attention shifts to where they’re supposed to be. The brain has something clear to work with. It knows where to go.

We often assume parenting is about drawing boundaries and it is, but the way we describe those boundaries can either help our children navigate the world or get them stuck focusing on what to avoid.

Why Pilots and Skiers Avoid Crashes

In aviation, for instance, instructors don’t say, “Don’t fly into the tower.” That kind of command can actually increase the risk of a crash. Why? Because once the obstacle becomes the focus, the pilot’s attention and the aircraft, tends to drift toward it.

Instead, they say, “Fly to the open space.”

Skiers use a similar strategy. Those weaving through thick forests don’t focus on avoiding trees, they focus on following the snow. If they look at the trees, they’re more likely to hit them. But if they lock eyes on the clear path between, they glide right through.

The same is true in our parenting. When we focus our attention and our children’s on what to do, rather than what to avoid, we create a mindset of direction, not fear. A mindset rooted in growth, not correction.

Language That Builds

This isn’t just a communication trick. It’s a worldview. When we tell our children, “Don’t be rude,” we plant the word rude at the centre of their focus. But when we say, “Speak kindly,” we open a door to action, to character, to clarity.

Language becomes more than instruction - it becomes formation.

And this principle applies inwardly, too. The voice we use with ourselves matters just as much.

“Don’t mess this up.” vs “Take your time, you’ve got this.”

“Don’t be a bad parent.” vs “Be the calm, present parent you want to be.”

One fills you with anxiety; the other gives you a direction to step into.

From Obstacle to Opportunity

Islam teaches us to be mindful of our words. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him speak good or remain silent.”1

Speaking good isn’t just about avoiding harsh words. It’s about choosing words that uplift, guide and give life. It’s about creating a vision through language, for what we and our children can grow into.

So next time you feel tempted to say, “Don’t…” pause. Ask yourself: What do I actually want them to do? Then say that instead.

More often than not, they’ll follow exactly what you help them see.

1

• Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, Book 78, Hadith 87 & Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 77 [This hadith is muttafaqun ‘alayh (agreed upon), meaning it is narrated by both Imām al-Bukhārī and Imām Muslim - indicating its high level of authenticity]